Mama Skullcrusher’s Love Advice

February 16, 2018

This Valentine’s Day we celebrate by introducing our new expert on romantic advice, the … um… towering presence that is Mama Skullcrusher. This orcish fortune teller has the perfect advice on every affair of the heart, and blew away the competition for the post (our carpet is ruined). The entire crew has been held captive by her, er, charm (send help, please) as we reviewed your letters of love and woe. It is my…uh…pleasure to introduce the first set of Letters to Mama Skullcrusher: the perfect love advice for characters of any race, class, or system.

Dear Mama Skullcrusher,

I am an officer that has just been honorably discharged from service and has made a small mark on a local city by helping in keeping some of the peace while the war is still ongoing. 

After a victorious battle against the walking and wakened dead, I decided to celebrate as usual in soldier fashion, singing and drinking. I woke up the next morning with another in my bed and with no memory of what had happened. After sending him away, I found out that he is a baron of the city, as he left his signet ring and a balanced short sword. I am ashamed by my actions. 

Regardless, after gathering the soldiers under my care and getting another job to perform for the city, it was contracted by the same baron. I tried to keep this interaction as professional as possible, but he was very adamant of expressing his interest in me, and that he was looking for a long term companion. This is not my style! I have lived most of my life within a monastery before being drafted into the military! This is not my world. He is showering me with gifts and has sent invitation to a ball. I prefer the dance of a battle, not a ball. What do people do in this situation?

Sincerely any advice or insight,


Dear Officer
This is a problem we see frequently in orcish war bands. Usually, the uninterested resolves the situation by chopping off the appedage they think most likely to solve the problem. It seems your situation requires more delicacy, however, so I recommend a more subtle attack. Hairpin stiletto, perhaps, or contact poison spread on gloves. I do suggest that you have a quick way to leave town immediately afterward. The death of a Baron can prove awkward.  

Mama Skullcrusher
Dear mama skullcrusher,

As a Cleric of Pelor I have made vows of chastity and purity to keep my mind clear and straightforward in my purpose. I have never experienced true love for any but the shining one. That is where my problem I believe stems from. You see, while the love between Pelor and I is reciprocated; the love between me and shall we say the ladies and gents is quite one sided. I simply don’t have room in my heart for any but my one true love: the light. As I am a good upstanding man of light and an enforcer of the laws of the divine I need to maintain good relations with those whom I serve. That is where my question comes in, what is a good way to let down an enamored person without damaging their pride and feelings? I mean, how can I let them down without scorning them when the love I have is compared to that of the divine, and there is no place in my heart for another? 


Cleric of the Shining one

Lethander Lightbringer
Dear Cleric

Vows of Chastity are stupid. You love your god, good for you, but you should also love your body, and if you are beating off would be suitors with a stick, im guessing you have some physical tension that needs taking care of. The best way to let someone down is to let them down gently in the hay, if you take my meaning. If you are determined to be stupid and celibate, then I suggest you get yourself a chastity cup enchanted to bite off anything that tries to get too close. After one bad encounter you are sure to be left alone. 

Mama Skullcrusher
Hail Skullcrusher,

Nineteen summers ago I had affair with a feeble human — did not work out. Some good memories but didn’t speak for many years. Found out recently that half-orc girl spawn from our union was reviled by human society, left to rot in slave pits and then led gladiator uprising to smash petty human kingdom.

Realize now human mate was “the one.” How can reconcile to ensure bloodline of glorious warrior offspring?

— Second Chances

Dear Second

Ah, your daughter reminds me of my own dear children, off crushing the weak in their respective corners of the world to avoid talking to each other. Truly, it brings joy to a parent’s heart to hear of such things. I can see why you want to reconcile with your former mate. I suggest the sweet approach at first: a gift of flowers and the head of someone who wronged them make an excellent start. If such overtures fail, an apology and an offering of recently looted treasures will often get results (make sure the treasures are not looted from a town where they know people. It doesn’t go over well). If that too fails, I suggest a good old fashioned kidnapping. It’s worked for us orcs for 100s of years and I see no reason to mess with tradition. 

Mama Skullcrusher
Hoi  💀Crusher-san! 💘

Was totally in 🌶 LTR with chief of the local Crimson 👊👊👊. SO SURE HE WAS MY BAE!! Then some fracking 🔮 prophecy gets my 🕴 to fall for some prissy elf 👸!!!!! HMP!!!!  

— 💝 Pinky 💝
Dear Pinky

Your boyfriend was weak. CRUSH HIM.
Mama Skullcrusher

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