Seize the GM
Seize the GM
Episode 146: Statblockapolooza Part 7

Main Topic

We are going to throw down a person, place and thing in three different themes. Let’s see what our creations are with the themes of Aliens, Fallen Empires, and When the master is away the minions will play.

Stat Blocks


Empress Halid Padidalious the First

Who says that the Calphanians are still around? Or any from the line of succession at that. They were all killed. It was the only way to ensure that the dynasty of the Padidalius would truly end. The empire spanned over 200 star systems and was ruled with a fist so tightly it was only a matter of time before the other nobles, that had been appointed by the emperor, wanted more. 

The rules were simple, if you were a noble you held the system you had been given no more no less. That never works because the drive and ambition that made these rulers seen by the emperor was the same that made them want more. After the coup that leveled the palace and with it the whole line of the emperor.  Or so they had been told by the ones that did the actual deed. 

The stasis pod lid slid into the pod. The air washed over the face of the young woman inside. Her clothing was intact but not made for the wilds of this planet. She jolted awake as if from a nightmare. The woman tumbled from the pod and emptied her stomach. As her hand touched the palm reader inside the pod the system spoke. “We are sorry to have to tell you this but you are the only and last survivor of the Paidalius Empire your world is no more. I have the names of those that have done this but it has been a century since you were awake Empress. We will help to teach them that the Empire is still yours.” 

The Emissary Protocol

Slipping between the layers of the planet’s atmosphere was easy for the object. It was more of a filament than a massive object like you see in the holovids on the networks. Once its mass had gotten through the atmosphere it was quickly collected by some intelligence and wrapped until it became a sphere roughly 3 meters in diameter. Then it started spinning like a ball of twine reeling in the rest of the filament. Not all of it had made its way on the planet as it were. More and more collected it was pushing itself quickly into the sphere. Once it got to the size of 81 meters it then shifted again in its shape and this was when the planet’s defenses were made aware of its presence but it was too late it was here. 

At this point the shape changed into what looked like a spike of metal. It was still in the atmosphere but then it let gravity take hold and it plunged to the surface. Something the locals were not aware of was that it had been very careful of all its changes and landings into the surface. It was going to land in an uninhabited spot with miles of empty space around. The impact was unlike any before. It plunged into the ground burying 81 meters into the ground. The whole time it had continued to add mass from its trail. Where it hit it was already double the size it had been when freefall had started. It had added a total of  6561 meters of total size before the locals arrived. 

Its shape had changed one last time before they arrived. It was a triple helix DNA spiral like the locals had but not like the originators had. Theirs was a double helix mobius strip which was on the base next to the handprint scanner that would match any native to the planet. They needed an emissary to speak for them to the locals. The language of math might be universal but this target race was still planet bound. That would be changing very soon for they needed soldiers in the war that was coming to this part of space. 

The Once Great Starfield of Safalion Prime

Earth once had a story called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. It was cute at first and near the end it was showing the dangers of too much power too soon. This is the same type of issue that happened with the Great Starfield of Safalion Prime. It stretched across many star systems before the foundlings came to Safalion Prime. 

What are the foundlings? They are the remains of a forgotten experiment by some other power in the galaxy. They have an uncanny ability to kitbash technology. This is not something that they think through before playing with. This is what makes them a plague on the galaxy. So a hundred years ago they created something that is now called The Star Eater. 

The Star Eater is what has given us The Once Great Starfield. Somehow they figured out how to make a machine that can break down stars at a fast rate. Then use the energy to continue the destruction of more things. The part of the galaxy that surrounded Safalion Prime was destroyed in a matter of days. Something no one thought could be done. While most other civilizations had a few days, most planets that were habitats were gone too fast for evacuation. It spread fast and in a way no one could predict. All life and light were wiped from that portion of the galaxy. Now it is just black blank space. 

The worst part is that the foundlings are still out there. What will be the next place they make empty space because of something else they have created. 


The Spine of the Black Citadel

It’s been months since the Master Tower was locked in some kind of temporal stasis.  Initially, we worked as if nothing was amis.  We had our orders and we performed them dutifully.  Keeping the tower running in our master’s absence.

But as days stretched into weeks, chaos began to creep in.  The lack of absolute authority gave rise to chaos.  Various teams all operating independently.  At times unintentionally undermining each other.  Something had to change.  The head of the research team put out a missive to the rest of the leads.  We need to work together or everything will fall apart.  Leaving our citadel easy pickings for the various warlords.

We set up a council of sorts.  The leads of the various organizations would meet weekly to discuss any issues, set policy, and coordinate efforts.  Each team from magical research to home defense to repair and maintenance was represented.  All issues and concerns could be presented with no fear of reprisal.  The only way the citadel would survive would be if there were no secrets between us.  We were able to keep everyone supplied, safe and cared for as long as knowledge was shared and lines of communication remained open.

Then something strange happened.  What began as a clumsy way to coordinate citadel functions became a well oiled machine.  Inter-organizational fighting and undermining ceased. We became a united force, each doing their part to defend the citadel and ensure the prosperity of its occupants.  Other warlords attempted to attack the citadel, only to be repulsed by unanticipated tactics and a ferocity no one expected.

We still continue our work, to keep the Citadel safe. We wait for the day the Master returns to take the Citadel back.

If he can

The Cycurian

At first no one was sure what it was.  An exoplanet survey team found it crashed into our moons, covered in regolith.  A flimsy twisted metal construct.  Pockmarked by innumerable meteroid collisions.  So much time was spent analyzing the materials.  An even longer time scanning and analyzing its structure, guessing at its purpose.  Analysis showed the age to be into the billions of years.

It was then that the golden disc was discovered.  Basic pictograms adorned its surface.  Two bipedal creatures. How strange.  Mobility with only two legs.  The lack of body covering was a constant jest amongst the exobiologists.  Still, full understanding of its nature eluded us.   What did the radial symbol mean?  The line of circles at the bottom?  But it was one of our younger researchers who noticed the two circles at the top.  Originally we thought them clamp impressions or something as inconsequential.  The researcher made an offhanded comment about Hydrogen and how it reminded him of an image from his collegiate chemistry holo-vid.  Something about transition or something.  

That was the key.

We were able to decipher it.  Understand it.  It was primitive, yet effective. The radial symbol denoted the orbital periods of various pulsars.  It was a bit of an effort to identify the pulsars referenced.  Some of the periods had drifted, but it was a simple task to “turn back the clock” as it were.

We found a section of the galaxy that in our distant past was extremely noisy, specifically in the radio part of the spectrum.  Maybe there?

But we had a location, a map, and a mystery. Maybe this is the proof we have been searching for.  That life existed, independent of the Cycurian empire.  That uplifted itself, independent and free from our assistance.

Terran Dynasty

After finding the artifact, the populace once again seemed to find wonder in the stars.  In the many mysteries it still held.

Recruitment for this expedition required so many specialized experts.  Archeology, Anthropology, Chemistry, Geologists and countless others.  Preparations for the expedition continued at a nearly frenzied pace.  It would take some time to get there, even with Hyperdrive. But patience was in short supply and the expedition left Cycurian space as soon as they were able.

We arrived at the system indicated, but something was wrong. There were not 9 planets as previously indicated.  Only 4 large gas giants circled a white dwarf star.  The four smaller planets no longer existed.  A scan of the remaining planets revealed various structures, all long abandoned.  Maybe information about this lost civilization could be gleaned.  Many of the remaining structures appeared to be research facilities.  Their technology was primitive yet effective.  They stored their data electronically, so it was an easy task to modify our light based technology to access it.  We were able to decode some of the terminology and translate a word or phrase here and there.  There were seemingly innumerable variations of language which will make universal translation a very slow endeavor.  But we were able to glean some information from these storage systems.  Seems their physiology was carbon based and they relied on oxygen to power many biological processes.  (Makes sense, Oxygen is incredibly volatile and it would have been a simple biological hack to use this element.)

They worked in groups of similar abilities, but lived in groups that seemed to have little in common.  How strange.  And how inefficient.

We found various repositories that contained an amalgamation of various sounds. We are not sure of their function, but there are many stored here, under a title called “Playlist”  

But what happened to them was still a mystery.

But there may be a clue nestled in the small rocks at the edge of the system.

We’ve identified a very weak signal on one of the larger ones.  We have not deciphered the full dataset, but we have decoded the broadcast. 

“Final Record of the Ark Project.  The last hope of survival for the Terran Dynasty.  We entrust the remaining citizens of the Human Empire and our future to the stars.”


Klyfaxxian Exploratory DutyStation 

Cycle: -4. Klyfaxxian Standard Dates

Exploration is a double edged sword. It is always a highlight of the Space Secretariat’s year when they have a fresh contact to crow over and new worlds to show on the vidcast. You would think that the Space Secretariat’s charge to not only explore but also safeguard the border regions would get more attention. But the attention goes to the exciting and sexy NEW ALIENS WE FOUND. I really do expect the budget requests each and every cycle to get a closer look but it never hurts re-election to get your picture taken with an alien, does it?

Cycle: -2 Klyfaxxian Standard Dates

This time around, it seems like the newest find from the spin side of the border expanse is mostly benign. What could possibly go wrong, they don’t even have a warping drive yet – just low key intra-system rockets based propulsion. Simple political structures, or tribal structures, it is hard to tell from the reports the Space Secretariat lets out into the ether. It’s not entirely clear where that head evolved though, it is so … small and compact. Perhaps thats why they don’t have a more developed space program. It would make sense that these were not truly ready for admittance into a larger and grander sphere.  

Cycle: Null KSD. 

Whatever else those acurrsed little monkeys are, they are a pest first and foremost. We should never have let the Space Secretariat adopt so many of them for study and exchange programs. Exchange programs … that’s just the War Secretariat’s shorthand for “We don’t have to tell them where we are taking them” for military purposes. Enough of them managed to escape from their captivity that it’s been hard to disguise what was going on now. Slave labor isn’t going over well, and the fragility of the current Dictariat’s hold on the economy has definitely been faltering. We should have known better than to think that a version of a hairless ape would be good for something other than documentary vids shot from cloaking. 

Cycle: 297 Uplift Standard Year

**It is remarkable to find such well preserved records or diaries of the previous inhabitants of the planet. What is perhaps the most revealing, or worrying is that they seem to be describing us in various ways. If we were involved in being resettled, relocated, or kidnapped hundreds of years ago, why isn’t there a better record of it? Is this why we have not made any new star cruisers? Did we inherit a dead planet or take it away from those bug-eyed pictured life forms like a virus?**

Chrysanthemum Maxwell Dellegrotto, the IV

Each one of the artifacts had their own luster and special circumstance. They were Legendary Items after all – spoken of in hushed tones around the darkened corners of the best kept secrets of the world. The Torus, the Battery, the Chain, the Pendant, and the other three all kept the shadow world humming for centuries. It couldn’t just be the connection to the Eidelons that populated these same shadow worlds, kept apart from the broader world. There was some deeper connection between the Eidelons and the Artifacts. 

Enter Chrysanthemum Maxwell Dellegrotto, the IV. Chrysanthemum, or Chrissy for those who actually meet her more than once, has been a fixture in the shadows of the world for at least half a century. You don’t really ask certain questions since she doesn’t appear to age quite as much as would be expected … but with the mental powers of an Eidelon fresh on your mind, a way to delay the onset of old age doesn’t seem too strange anymore. Chrissy uses her control over the Blazarethian Foundation to ensure that her goals are being met – one of those goals seems to be the collection of the various 7 Legendary Artifacts. 

It should be enough to seek out even one of them, the Legendary Antillian Torus seems to pass into new hands every decade at least, as they present themselves as a treasury beyond reckoning to all but the least aware of the true workings of the world. Every government wants them, every Eidelon has felt their draw, and each and every time one is hinted to be found, Chrissy hires people to try to get it for her. It has been rumored that the Blazarethian Foundation has managed to acquire at least four of the seven, and hold them in a safe storage facility on a remote isle. 

You took the invitation to that remote isle because you had to know whether it was true. You’ve set eyes on one of the artifacts, years ago, and had to see whether these rumors were true. They were. Five artifacts pulsed inside of what appeared to be glass displays, each humming in its own pitch and its own tone. Chrysanthemum stood in the center of the room, two cases empty, and as she let her false skin slide from the lie of her human form, she invited you to sit so she could “Shed light on what has truly occupied your human culture for the last two millenia.” 

Automatic Bot Cleaning Deployment, the ABCDs

10. RUN Diagnostic 1

20. RUN User Input 1

30.  . . . ERROR . . . 

35. . . . ERROR . . 

40. GOTO 60

50. If you are reading this we have missed the opportunity to input the safety code on the automatic cleaning system. Please be aware that the automatic cleaning system will no longer accept overrides until programming is complete. 

60. RUN Sanitize 1

65. RUN Mapper 2

70. RUN Mopper 1


80. RUN Dustbin 1


85. If [[DUSTBIN=10]], RUN Flush


95. IF [[FLUSH=5]], RUN Nuke, 

96. IF [[FLUSH =/= 5]], GOTO 60

100. CONFIRM [[NUKE]] [Y/y]

101. Goodbye.

Closing remarks 

    Zendead – Ultraman on Netflix is a fun and crazy trip into a classic Japanese TV Series and so much more. Cool character design and storytelling. 

    Joules – The Pentaverate.  Probably one of the silliest super science/secret societies parody I’ve ever listened to. It stars Mike Myers in a variety of roles. And Jeremy Irons narrates the intro.  And if you skip the intro, you get scolded. BY JEREMY IRONS!

    Guard-a-Manger – Warehouse 13. It is on Amazon Prime streaming and one of my favorite shows that delved into the Weird Science/Mysterious History setting tropes. A marvelous ensemble cast with electrifying chemistry makes this a romp and half worth the laughs and cries. 

Music is courtesy of Sim on Twitter you can find him at @TheSimulacrae

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