Seize the GM
Seize the GM
Episode 81: Statblockapaloosa Part 3

Main Topic

This day we sat down and did some more crazy statblocks for you guys. 

1st Theme – Kaiju

2nd Theme – Disco

3rd Theme – Carnivorous Cute

4th Theme – Hot Rods and Hot Nights

Stat Blocks


Homura Yuki aka Kori

Carnivorous Cute-Person:  

The slim figure of a girl crawling on the Kaiju that had fallen was distracting. Almost no one was around after the fall of one. Homura was different, losing your family at a young age to those monsters has been known to have a disturbing effect on individuals. As she says thou, “A girl’s gotta eat!” 

After she had mourned the loss of her family she only had to wait for what felt like days. Sure enough something else came crawling out of the ocean to attack her home. She had her fill the first time. Hunters started showing up almost by the time the first building was crushed. She had had enough of this. At the age of 19 she was a Harajuku girl. Dressed in her best lolita outfit she trailed after the hunters. At first they didn’t take her seriously, till she learned to drive and track. After that she learned to shoot, not only was she a fast learner she never seemed to forget why she was learning this. 

At last the day came when she was back near her old home and a new one came digging its way out from under the city. The tracking was quick this was a big mean one a Gejigeji only the size of a city block. She was the first on the scene and she pulled out the hunter’s rifle she had with her the shot blew part of the head off. Which threw it into a fit and she got the second shot to finish it off. She had gotten down to see what had happened to it. And about that time others started showing up and here she was in her cute anime cosplay. The other hunters had her finish the ritual of the first kill which is to drink a small amount of the blood. In her it had turned into something she does every time. Or make dinner for herself from pieces of it. 

Hunters Club or Hantazukurabu 

Place- Hot Rods and Hot Nights

The roar of tuned motors filled the night air. The collection of cars and trucks that lined the roads where a crazy kaleidoscope of colors and light and sound. While the summer heat rises it brings the monsters out. The club of drivers got together in large groups to run the streets of the southern cities waiting. Waiting for what you ask? Why the Kaiju to come up of course. 

So many cars and trucks where tuned to be able to run fast and drift around to let the passengers to get in a position to be able to hunt those beasts. There where others as well big trucks and food trucks as well as repair vehicles. A few where places to drink. At first folks thought they were just kids running the streets causing trouble till they started to see older folks as well as the younger. Once they became an official group hunting the kaiju they were given special privileges. 

Since the hunting “season” is only during the summer they have months to train and practice and repair and build what they need. Each area of the country has its own club but we are the first and we have the right to call ourselves Hantazukurabu or Hunters Club. The set the standard that all the rest have tried to follow and our turf is the Tokyo Metroplex area. Let all that come here fear us and our new leader Nikko and his girlfriend Kori.


Thing- Kaiju

Wings stretched wide to make the shadow that fell on them massive. The creature looked similar to a vulture as it circled the city high above riding the thermals. The height that Hagetaka could reach was so high that it seemed like a regular vulture. As he dove down from above the city his wings seemed to stretch out behind him like a black cloak. When he was about a kilometer from the city he snapped his wings out and beat them hard once creating a wave of wind and energy that leveled 3 buildings and swayed 2 dozen more close to the point of collapse. Then without a pause he flew off to a different section of town.

The populated sections looked like ants to him. Ants at his dinner was annoying so he screamed. With that the people that were close enough to hear fell over dead from a strange rotting “disease”. As he settled down to clear away the towers in his way something struck his side. It burned whatever it was. But it was short lived. And he drove his beak into a building looking for something to eat under the concrete and glass skin of the building. Then the impact of several large things hitting him had him pulling his head out of the building. Once a portion of his neck had cleared the building the double impact of Kori’s hunting gun severed the head from the body. 

As the small frame ran up the monster pulling a trophy of a man sized feather off of it. Pulling a hunk of meat the size of a duffle bag from the body she made her way back to her car and headed back to the Hunter’s Club. Writing the kanji for vulture in its blood on the back window, which would have to do till she had more time to do it right. 



Thing – Kaiju

Ancient monsters from ancient times.  Terrors made of fire and metal. Radioactive abominations that destroy cities with a single step.  We know the stories. Played the games and watched the films. We love and fear them. We cheer them on in epic battles.  We hide our faces when they rampage but peek through our fingers all the same. Kaiju have become part of our zeitgeist and vernacular.  We love them and fear them.

If we only knew what our obsession with monsters would unleash.

It started just a few years ago.  Colossal shadows moving across buildings with no source.  Unearthly screams that seem to have multiple sources. Earthquakes of incredible magnitude that have an epicenter on top of the earth’s crust.  Unexplained power surges that have plunged cities into darkness for days on end. Structures bending and folding, crushed under some strange force.  It’s been getting worse.

Then the children started whispering and pointing.  Over time the whispers became wimpers, the pointing became death grips on their parent’s hands.  Cowering in terror from an amorphous behemoth, shrouded to more mature eyes.

Then the others started to see.  The security guard on the graveyard shift.  High school and college students pulling an all nighter.  Long distance haulers, new parents, barflies settling their tabs at last call.  They all started talking about a colossal monster. The descriptions were all incredibly vague.  And the more they tried to recall, the more the details slipped away. They’re left with only wisps of details and a primal terror.

Now the sightings are increasing.  Almost everyone has reported seeing it.  The earthquakes are happening with increasing frequency.  The shadows at times engulf skyscrapers. The screams have evolved into a cacophonous symphony.  Low growls mix with the whine of metal on metal. Heavy breathing entwined with a high pitched shriek. 

And the origin of this phenomenon was a mystery.  Until about a week ago.

There was a large sleep study being held at NIH.  Testing the efficacy of some experimental treatment for PTSD.  And when analyzing the data, an intern noticed something. When the subjects entered REM and NREM sleep.  The noise got louder. The magnitude of the earthquakes increased. Damage to the surrounding area increased.  And the power grid is still down today. That poor intern had the distinction of being the one to identify the instrument of our extinction.  And he got to name it. Parasomnia

And we created it.  We brought this kaiju out of the realm of dreams and into our world.  The demons of our darker nature made manifest. And it took a form the whole world would find terrifying and nigh impossible to defeat.

And it will only get stronger as time goes on.  You see, we all have to sleep sometime.

Mr GoodVibe

Person – Disco

What it is, what it is.  Take a load off. Ya’ll copacetic?   So what brings you cats to my crib? A Totem Quest?  Been looking for me? Ah you’re wondering where I went.  What happened to me?

It’s a long story, ya dig?

Well I really came onto the scene in the 1970s.  At least that’s when I became self aware. I matured quickly.  It really was an insane decade. My hearbeat became the hearbeat of the decade.  The world moved to my rhythm. Their music was my anthem. The lyrics were whispers of worship.  The dances were my rituals. I grew. I thrived. I was everywhere, in everything.

But you know what they say don’t you. A candle that burn twice as bright dies twice as quickly.

I just couldn’t maintain.

But I didn’t disappear did I?  You still hear me, don’t you? Oh not as I was.  But you hear my beats in the bands of today. In the tunes of Daft Punk and of Tupperware Remix Party.  My guitar licks in the music of Rage, as well as my defiance against the Man. Sheeeeet, there are musicians who take samples whole cloth and remix them into something for the now.

And there are those who keep my music alive.  George Clinton and the Parliment Funkadelic performing in the movie PCU.  Quentin Tarentino’s films integrated my apostles, Kool and the Gang and Al Green.  Introducing me to a new generation.

So Disco isn’t dead.  Disco diversified.

So ya’ll better recognize you ain’t bone jackin’ the power of a fading spirit.

Still wanna hang with me?

Ya’ll follow my rhythm.  Ya’ll obey my rules.  

Can you dig it?  

Hot Rods and Hot Nights – Infernal Delivery

The heat is dry in the nevada desert.  The waves of the sunset glow a crimson and violet.  The rock formations and vegetation throw long shadows across the empty freeway.   There’s a still excitement in the air.  

A low roar in the distance vibrates the desert flora.  The shadows dance. The dust whirls. A small black dot on the horizon comes into view.  A large churning cloud follows it.  

A sleek, black ‘62 Chevrolet Corvette C1 convertible comes into view.  Tires tear up the road, ejecting a plume behind it. Strangely the car remains spotless as it moves through the still Nevada dusk.  The tail lights leave trails of crimson as the convertible tears through at breakneck speed. Being Evil Has A Price by the Heavy Young Heathens shatters the hot Nevada silence.

The car swerves off the main road and down a cleverly hidden dirt path.  The driver moves the car with an unearthly skill and grace. The car doesn’t slowdown or fishtail as it turns onto the dirt road.  The music is barely audible over the roar of the engines. The car speeds onto its destination.

About 10 minutes later the car slides to a smooth stop in front of a gate.  The driver steps out of his car in an immaculate three piece suit and retrieves a square cardboard box from the passenger’s seat.  He walks up to the gate with a wry smile. He catches the gaze of a guard.  

“Leftenant?  I brought your order.  Giordano’s signature deep dish pizza. Chicago Classic.”

The guard is surprised  and takes the pizza from the blonde gentleman with a smile.

“Wow, you really weren’t kidding.  Delivery of anything, anywhere. Bet your soul.”

The well dressed delivery driver  flashes a smile of celestial magnitude.


The delivery man returns to his corvette, revs the engine,  and speeds away with a wave.  

As the dust settles a single black feather floats haplessly to the ground


The Spirited Mural

Plot Device – Disco

The mural appears at random locations, going where it is needed. It depicts soft purple lights and ancient stone architecture with nine unique human dancers. All of the dancers wear flowing dresses and stylized accessories. When music is played around the mural, the dancers will begin to move to the rhythm of the sound. Somber songs, soft orchestral, or slower paced music grants the viewer light visions of the message the mural is attempted to convey. Only when a music with faster tempo, especially songs considered dance music in the region the mural appears, does the mural truly come “Alive.” One by one, the dancers will begin to exit the art piece, and begin dancing a rhythmic pattern with one another. If someone observes the dance, they can make an insight check to understand the meaning of the message the mural is attempting to convey. If they join the dance, they will immediately understand the message, but must make a willpower check to see if they can break away from the dance or become a part of the spirited mural. Once a day, when spirited music is played for the mural and dancers can exit it, trapped victims can attempt another willpower check to break free. Should a trapped dancer fail three times, they will forever become a part of the spirited mural.

Seeding Grenade

Thing – Carnivorous Cute

We should have never taught the damn pixies alchemy. Everything they touch, it’s all to fuel their humor, their schemes, their games. And this thing? This little piece of sod and flowers wrapped into a sphere? It’s one of the worse. It smells like a bath bomb, all lilacs, lavender, and a hint of mint, but I’ve seen what it can do to a mortal. I’ve seen how it twists them. With a tug on the right stem, the thing becomes armed. Petals wiggle, the grass shifts in the hand, the soil begins to weep green tears, and the smell, oh the smell of rich deep summer rain fills the air. Aim for the chest if hitting the target is the goal. Aim for the head, if mercy is desired, but with the pixies it never was. The struck limb changes almost instantly as the grenade latches on; vines of bark, leaves, and grass blades latch against the skin and armor. They cut deep. The target withers and twists as bones become branches and nerves become roots. It’s over fast, and before you a grass man is formed, sheathed in pink and violet, reeking of spring. The worst cruelty? The fruit these figures spawn, a treat for the pixies to feast upon.

Riven March

Place – Hot Rods and Hot Nights

The council gave up policing Riven March some time ago. The mortals kept the city, but left the neighborhood to the rest of us. Their world weary plans kept them focusing outbound, but the clubs and streets of the March never talked politics, never talked trade, never talked business except the business at hand. And that was the dance. That was the songs. That was the games. Oh, business changed over the centuries because as boring as mortals are, they are not useless. They always brought us such toys, ideas, experiences. New music, new risks, new speed. That’s why we finally let them put in the roads; the hard ones with the shiny paint and pebbles on them. Because of the new fast toys we could drive on them. Oh, those summer nights, with the wind in our hairs and blowing our wings back. Let the silly mortals have these streets during the day, but at night, we owned Riven March. We owned these streets. And any who dare join us, well they best be ready to dance. They best be ready to drive.


The Incomparable and Unmentionable Lord Shrathlyntiko

Carnivorous Cute – Person 

It is a quiet harvest this year.  The winter was mild enough to not stretch the stores while the spring and summer provided the right amount of rain and wind to ensure that the crops were harvested in a bountiful and timely manner.  It is a year that will go down in the history of the land, but sadly not for this fortuitous occurrence. 

The good fortune was not, it seems, fortuitous, but called forth.  The Incomparable and Unmentionable Lord was beseached for aid and for his succor in the time of need.  A generation ago, it was easy to understand why- the children had been slowly dying year after year, and it was only when they gave their offerings and made their pledges that the youth returned to health, and even saw the fertility of the residences rebound. The babies were cherubic, with their round faces and adorable bright big eyes.  They were the symbol of rebirth for the village and for the future. Celebrations were had as each crop slowly improved its yield. 

The babes held the power, though.  The Incomparable and Unmentionable Lord does not come for you brazenly in the light of day nor slink through the cover of darkness to take away what is owed or destroy the transgressors.  The Incomparable and Unmentionable does what the other celestial beings can’t or won’t – those babes were the carriers. With each coo and each smile, one more resident fell under the toll to be paid – It is the joy and comfort that was bought.  The grain came for free. 

Everytime you smile at one of those babies, a piece of your soul is claimed;  everytime you hold one, pray that you notice the pound of flesh that is no longer yours. 

Bell Bottoms of Buoyancy

Disco – Thing

The great thing about Disco is that it doesn’t hide what it is or what it was. Loud, fast, and full of energy, the Disco world is a bright spot in a dark world that is covered in grime, crime, and political meltdowns.  Dance the night away, let your heart race, and your feet tap in time to the Funky Music!

The magic that permeates Disco is what holds the world together, you see – and the Bell Bottoms of Buoyancy are an outlet to that infectious and gleeful sound that moves so many.  Brightly colored, though you can’t really pin down the exact shade until you pick them up, the Bell Bottoms fit you tightly through the thigh but then expand like the beautiful Dancing Queen attire they are! You hardly notice anything odd about them as you Dance the Night Away, but after a night where the fun went too far, you realized they helped you Stay Alive!

When you were thrown off the wharf, it was going to be a soggy time.  You didn’t realize that Jimmy wanted that loan repaid quite so soon – but That’s The Way He Liked It. What he didn’t know, and you just found out, was that the bell bottoms opened up, and the lamé flared leaving you walking on water. No, Dancing on Air! So long as you can keep your feet moving, and your spirits lifted, the Bell Bottoms will keep your body lifted with it! You can fly as high as the sky, breathing the whole time, and turn a backflip like nobody else in the Club. 

While you may be the envy of the Fern Bar, something has begun to leave you feeling Upside Down and your dreams have been riddled in a Night Fever with visions of a black leather jacket studded with spikes and safety pins smothering your beloved Buoyancy Bell Bottoms. You know it’s time to Shake Your Groove Thing and defend the upbeat syncopation of Disco against this new challenger. 

Planck’s Constant Battlefield

Kaiju – Place 

It wasn’t that long ago that the Earth looked doomed.  It isn’t just that there is a painful and difficult fight against a monster that had no human comprehension, it was that the very act of resistance was killing the planet.  The Chloromidians green bodies were constantly emitting a radiation that poisoned the Earth and the rest of the humans; when we could marshal a defense and defeat one, it would as often as not lay waste to the surrounding area as it fought and then explode in a poisonous gas which would encircle the globe. Underground bunkers could only last so long and hold so many.  

The PCB project, jokingly called Planck’s Constant Battlefield, was a last ditch effort that worked! Or did for now.  Superstring Theory broke down in the presence of the Chloromidians and that was the key to … well …. Not defeating them but at least buying enough time to save the species and maybe the planet.  The PCB is a pocket Dimension, you see, one where the Chloromidians and their radioactive stench can be shunted but only in close proximity. If we fight them head on, we can take them off this planet and face them on PCB where their radiation doesn’t kill us! 

There are still a lot of questions about the PCB and about how it’s form is found, because a pocket dimension shouldn’t really have the mass we found.  The generators to engage the PCB failsafe are so massive, we had to build giant mechs and tanks to carry them around to get even barely close enough to trigger the activation.  It’s a place to stash these creatures, and even if they defeat our valiant warriors, they remain locked away in the PCB since they can’t trigger the return.

What none outside the elite cadre of warriors and the highest of echelons of humanity has been told is that some After Action Reports have described the edge of the PCB; a limited space, bounded by what look like rough hewn stone stadium seating. 

Closing remarks 

Zendead- After we lost a great Sci-Fi/Fantasy actor who also did many other things please go watch a Rutger Hauer film. If I may be so bold as to suggest 2. Ladyhawke and Buffy the Vampire Slayer He was also in one of the movies I suggested with our last show. 

Joules-Sandman Comics


Guard-a-Manger- Zen took my recommendations for Ladyhawke, so I will instead suggest that you take a look at 20 minutes on Youtube of the Power Rangers Anniversary Team Up Battles! Yes.  Go watch it now. 

Music is courtesy of The Enigma TNG you can find his music on YouTube or on Bandcamp

Find us

Show- Email, InstagramTwitter, Facebook Page, Facebook Group, Tumblr

Zendead- Email, Twitter, Facebook

Joules- Email, Twitter, Facebook

nulloperations- Email, Twitter, Facebook

Guard-a-manger- Email, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook 

And Thanks to Merriam-Webster  and Online Etymology Dictionary for our Lexicon segment

If you want to you can also help Support Me on Ko-fi

Find us on Patreon

Liked it? Take a second to support Zendead on Patreon!
Become a patron at Patreon!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *